On request: a translated version of the Alexis Sánchez post from jan 7, 2016.
We need to talk about Alexis Sánchez. The Arsenal superstar, last year named player of the year by the Football Supporters’ Federation, is a gift that keeps on giving on the pitch. But he’s also the owner of the most ambitious online dating profile of our time: the Alexis Sánchez Instagram account.
You won’t find a more desperate aura of loneliness and do-you-wanna-be-my-girl-iness than the one Alexis maintains in homemade music videos featuring himself and his dogs Atom and Humber.
Sometimes he puts more heart and less pixels into the production…
…but most of the time we get to see hi-fi cries for help as Alexis work with tripods and mating-optimized ballads like a smartphone generation Michael Bay.
It’s a moving documentation of snug loneliness. The kind of loneliness you immediately want to complete. Because this is a healthy young man with money and emotions to spend. A man who has everything short of a (human) companion.
Someone who’s there when you wake up (but doesn’t have dog breath).
Someone who fully gets what your saying when you’ve been watching Frozen and need to talk about it.
Someone to take ridiculous photos with (that you can actually send to your parents and get blessings rather than unease in return).
Someone to take long walks with (that has the opposable thumbs required to hold hands).
…and to spoon when you get back.
Someone to start a family with.
Ok, this is where it starts to get disturbing so I should mention that there are plenty of regular Tinder compatible come get some-photos embedded in Alexis’ instagram fauna.
Suspicious minds might interpret this as self-absorption, especially if you get stuck watching the unadulterated joy of Alexis’ face when he sees the tiny, mirrored version of himself on the smartphone screen.
But honestly who wouldn’t, knowing your head’s attached to a body worth some £40 million and capable of doing this:
Alexis just want a girlfriend who understands him. Someone who doesn’t over-analyze everything. That’s all. And it’s reasonable given that he’s been a bit unfortunate in that area. His ex-ex-girlfriend made a scene and deleted their entire Instagram history together just because he was texting with Miss Chile. And his ex-girlfriend got super-annoyed when she noticed Alexis’ mates had respectfully retreated into his bedroom wardrobe to allow the couple some undisturbed time for love making. (Filming the session from within the wardrobe was arguably a bit insensitive but there’s really not much to do in wardrobes…)
SINCE WHEN CAN’T YOU HAVE FRIENDS OVER IN THE WARDROBE, Alexis wonders. Sitting in that special corner of the living room where lonely men go to air out dark thoughts. By the piano. Next to the fireplace.
Once reassembled he updates his online dating profile again. Must go on. Somewhere out there someone special is looking for him. Everyone’s the one to someone.
Alexis Sanchez has denied all claims regarding friends in the closet.
Treat yourself to at least half an hour in Alexis Sánchez intriguing Instagram feed cause there’s a lot of strong moments there that didn’t fit into this story. But put up a time limit before you go in, one can easily get lost in the neverending stream of living room karaoke, spiritual encounters, techno selfies and dogs.